lets start a swedish sibling band together
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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