Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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