You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize