Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
