I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
