Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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