The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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