She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my sisters under your porch take her home
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
