FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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