if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
