Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
