I'm so fucking centered right now
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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