im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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