Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
did i just pee glitter
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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