I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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