I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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