1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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