They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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