theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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