he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
love makes seman taste better
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
