please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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