my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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