when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize