when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
