Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
