Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
