Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
