babies were throwing up all over the place
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
