so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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