I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize