I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
