Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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