im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
