If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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