The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
