and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize