i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
