they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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