eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
