After last night, I could never be a politician.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize