We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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