the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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