I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize