Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
