How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
