We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
