Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
