so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
