I have demons in me.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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