my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If I die, sorry about rent.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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