I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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