I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
