its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
