Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
