matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
