Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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