You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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