Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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