so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
