Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
