I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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